AG Bondi Will Take Down The Tesla Takedown ‘Terrorists’

On Tuesday, Tesla announced a recall of virtually every Cybertruck on the road. Again. This time it’s because some of the paneling is stuck on with glue that is prone to “environmental embrittlement,” meaning that it could experience the same “rapid unscheduled disassembly” that has plagued Elon Musk’s rockets of late.

Presumably DOGE will burn down the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration tomorrow. But meanwhile it’s all hands on deck in the Trump administration to save Tesla’s share price since its CEO decided to make himself the face of a wildly unpopular campaign to shut down the federal government.

First Trump turned the White House into a car dealership. Then Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick headed for Fox to hawk Tesla stock, promising that “it’ll never be this cheap again.”

And now Attorney General Pam Bondi is getting in on the action, too. On Thursday she announced charges for three defendants who threw molotov cocktails on Teslas and Tesla chargers and defaced them with “profane messages against President Trump.”

“The days of committing crimes without consequence have ended,” said the woman whose office just argued that a January 6 defendant’s pardon should cover grenades and classified documents found in his house when the cops came to arrest him for storming the Capitol.

“The swarm of violent attacks on Tesla property is nothing short of domestic terrorism,” she huffed. “We will continue investigations that impose severe consequences on those involved in these attacks, including those operating behind the scenes to coordinate and fund these crimes.”

WHO IS PAYING FOR THE GASOLINE SOAKED RAGS IN BOTTLES? PLUS ALL THOSE CANS OF SPRAY PAINT?

AG Bondi will find out! As soon as she finishes getting the vapors over that “profane” graffiti.

Just kidding. She will say it’s George Soros citing zero evidence. Then she’ll charge all the peaceful protesters outside Tesla dealerships with doing a RICO to poor, defenseless Elon Musk. Indeed, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is already accusing Rep. Jasmine Crockett of “organizing political violence and terrorism” for her participation in a “join a nonviolent protest” Zoom.

But as usual, the most unhinged response is from the Commander in Chief.

Time to extraordinarily rendition those hooligans to a slave prison in El Salvador! That will make the Tesla share price go through the roof. Although considering the embrittlement of the rest of Tesla cars, disassembling the roof seems right on schedule.

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore where she produces the Law and Chaos substack and podcast.