Depression, Road Bumps, And Adjustments
In consultation with my therapist, I recently upped my Lexapro dosage. There is no trigger I can point to, but the increase in familiar feelings of hopelessness was there. Usually more intense in the morning, then dissipating into the early afternoon. Not immense lows, but unlike depressive bouts of years earlier, I have a better understanding of my body and mindset. I have mental health tools. We made some medication adjustments and figured out that maybe I was focusing too much on my mortality rather than my purpose moving forward in my 60s. It passed, and I’m good, but there are lessons. In dealing with chronic depression, there won’t always be a readily identifiable trigger and billboard signals to the people around us. The lows won’t always be the drastic lows that are easy to spot.
In 2005, it wasn’t good, but easier for family and friends to see what was happening. There was a gun — statements of self-harm and known drug and alcohol problems.
An episode I don’t talk about much, and the last time I had true suicidal ideation, was in 2010. I was almost three years sober but still learning to adjust to dealing with intense feelings of worthlessness and insecurity without the aid of cocaine and booze. There were intense feelings of worthlessness and insecurity. Despite the intense feelings of worthlessness and insecurity, I discontinued my medication (without telling my doctor), thinking that I would do it on my own.
My depression got progressively more consuming until one evening, I was listening to the radio — the Texas Rangers baseball team had declared bankruptcy — and my older brother, Mark, was one of the parties bidding to purchase them. (He didn’t win.) Suddenly, I started bawling and contemplating scenarios to end my life. First-world privilege problems, right? I was sober with a nice roof over my head. There was food in the fridge. Yet somehow, this event that would have no meaningful impact on my life triggered the same feelings of hopelessness that had led to my first trip to a psychiatric facility.
It, of course, wasn’t about the Rangers or Mark. It was my journey to deal with the same feelings that had plagued me since my early teens. The journey to healing a little boy who had been fat-shamed at home and school, physically assaulted over his excess weight, and saw a monster every time he looked in the mirror. There would be those moments, even sober, until I healed that little kid and told him none of it was his fault. Weirdly, decades later, I’m still on that journey.
Triggers often come from where you least expect them. Adjustments are OK.
If you’re a law student or lawyer and struggling with depression, here are some resources:
Directory of Lawyer Assistance Programs
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
For Nonlawyers:
NAMI and the crisis hotlines above.
Brian Cuban is an attorney, author, and advocate for mental health awareness and recovery. He has spoken at law firms, conferences, non-profit events, colleges, and universities across the United States and Canada. He also writes extensively on these subjects. His books, columns, and quotes have appeared on CNN.com, Foxnews.com, The Huffington Post, The New York Times, and online and print newspapers worldwide.
He is also the author of the best-selling book The Addicted Lawyer, Tales of The Bar, Booze Blow & Redemption. His debut novel, The Ambulance Chaser, was released as the #1-selling debut paperback thriller. His follow-up crime thriller, The Body Brokers is now available wherever books are sold and at www.briancuban.com.
